kyrias

It struck me recently, hard, that I'm coming up on my 35th birthday.

Most of the impact is actually because I don't really feel any different from how I felt when I was 25 or 15. There are many more aches, a significant decrease in energy, and some increase in cynicism, but in many ways, I have more in common with 15 than I do with much of what popular convention thinks 35 should hold.

Like 15, I still live with my parents, fielding questions about what I'm doing with my life, parrying fear about not being able to sustain myself.
Like 15, I'm single, a quiet voice at the bottom of fear wondering if I'm always going to have more in common with people ten million miles away on the internet than in meat space.Wondering if I'm going to be forever single.
Like 15, I look out at the wide world and wonder how I will keep a shattered self from dissipating into the wild winds.

25 thought she knew where her space in the world was. She thought she had friends of the "you should call me if you murder someone" variety. She thought she knew where she was going and how to get there. 25 was ready to compromise, thought that loving someone more meant you would get that love returned in full. 25 believed she was clever and adored.
I look back on 25 and I love her the more for what she gave me and what she was willing to give others.

29 was brave with her brokenness. I thank her for telling me she should rather be forever single rather than lonely in a relationship. I thank her because five years later, I don't know if I could make the same decision today that she did when she said enough was enough.
Once is more than enough when the person who claims to love you and wants to be with you forever refuses your offer of marriage.
But five years of being lonely and touch-starved eroded away a lot of her certainty.
I am perhaps not as brave as she was then, but I can still take faith in her declaration.

It's hard to think back on 15, when my dream was to married to someone who I loved and who loved me, to build a home, to take care of our children and make sure they had the childhood I wanted.
At 35 and chronically ill, that once-dream is a dull ache I am trying to release. Watching my nephews gives me a headache and a desperate need for a nap. Energy aside, I can no longer bear weight well, and back pain is a common visitor.
My mother's mentioned sperm banks, but I don't want a child for the sake of having a child, even if I will always carry some regret over it.
I want, wanted, a child conceived in love and nothing else will do.

2020 has been a difficult year for 34 and myself. We haven't been the most congenial companions for each other. Grief, anger, depression, anxiety, and a overwhelming cynicism has made it incredibly difficult to speak much. Still, I thank her for her holding on, for breathing, for clinging past the pain. We've disappeared into reading the latter part of 2020, and I hope later years judge me lightly for it.
34 no longer looks forward to the turning of the year. Wednesdays are just as good a new start as Mondays, and regret doesn't care what month it is.

12 reminds us that she nearly couldn't hold on, but did.
13 laughs past her tears and passes me a book I can't read now but will be able to later.
14 traces the number 37 on a piece of paper before lighting it on fire and tossing it into the wind.
15 tells us it's okay. Books were what carried her and 16, 17, 18 past the pain.

I hold 34 close and rock us, wondering what 35 will be like.
I wish her happy. I wish her able to be comfortable in her own skin. I wish her courage and joy in her bravery.
Too often, people speak of being saved by the youth.
But, I hope, desperately, that age will save me.

 Positive forces: Reverse King of Cups
Opposing forces: Reverse King of Pentacles
Health: Ten of Pentacles
Relationship: Three of Cups
Query: Reverse Five of Swords

 Or sick as a dog. 

Warning: Two of Swords
Advice: King of Wands
Going out: Emperor
Health: Six of Cups
Relationship: Reversed Three of Wands

 Warning for the day: Reversed Magician 
Advice for the day: Reversed Seven of Cups
Health: Knight of Pentacles
Going out: Reversed Queen of Wands
Relationship: Reversed Ace of Wands

Welp. At least I have my health? 

Reversed Magician: Can indicate greed, deceit, manipulation, and using one's skills for negative means. Can also mean skills left fallow and unused. 

My reading of Magician based on the card: Skill. (typoed as kills. Hrm.) Having fun. Learning and practicing craft in solitude. Freedom. Light. Playful yet somber/intent joy in the craft. 

Reversed Seven of Cups: illusions, temptations, diversionary tactics. Hiding from self, or unsure of actual desires. Or possible indication of breaking through confusion to focus on goal.

My take of  Seven of Cups: Castle in the sky. Paradise lost. Knowing saudade but unsure how to resolve it. 

Knight of Pentacles: routine, stability, etc

My take: Honestly, the Knight of Pentacles doesn't really speak to me. It's a man astride a dragon with a pentacle shield . There are mage-lights lighting his way and figures indicating direction. 

Reversed Queen of Wands: Someone being manipulative, pushy, or demanding. Bad mood, resentment, jealousy. 

My take: Performer. Charisma. Beloved. Joy in the art and craft. Achievement. 

Reversed Ace of Wands: Weighed down by existing responsibilities and commitments and being unable to pursue new ideas. Can also mean that I have difficulty articulating what I want. 

My take: Beauty or the promise of it. A glorious awakening awaits. But we are not sure how to proceed. Might be dissension about how to move forward or which path to take. Possibility of someone hoarding agency and not being willing to release it. 

I had trouble breathing all yesterday because of stupid asthma. It might be making a recurrence today. Again. Sucky. 
Slept at near 2am. Woke at 10am. 

Warning: Four of Cups
Advice: Reverse Nine of Cups
Health: The Hanged Man
Going out: Six of Wands
General relationship: Reversed The Hermit
Solution to relationship: The Sun

Four of Cups: Self-absorption, refusal to accept help and move on. Understand your limitations and mental blocks and how you may be continuing patterns of past behaviour. 

Reverse Nine of Cups: Nine of cups indicates fulfillment, satisfaction, and wishes granted. Reversed it can mean trying to self-gratify at the expense of others, missing true inner fulfillment because of greed, over indulgence, and mistakes, or an inadequate regard of how your behaviour is impacting others. 

Hanged Man: Stuck. Restricted. Suspended. In wait. 

Reversed Hermit: Isolation. Loneliness. Withdrawal. Either not taking enough time for personal reflection, or too much navel-gazing. 

Sun: Fun. Warmth. Success. Vitality. 

I can't figure out if the Sun is telling me that I should be more sunny and outgoing -- yeah, probably. Unlikely it's telling me that someone is going to breeze into my life and pull me kicking and screaming back into the land of the living. 

I've been super depressed. The sort of depression where having someone persuade me life is worth living makes me want to cut myself just to spite the world. 

C: Reversed Two of Wands-- fear of the unknown, lack of planning. Need to reassess goals, find motivation, and keep moving forward. 

How to help: Reversed Two of Swords -- Overwhelmed by trying to please everyone, stuck between a rock and a hard place, hard decisions and mental confusion over how to deal with it. 

C's future: Reversed Five of Pentacles -- a panacea? 

My role in C's life - Reversed Eight of Cups. Possible confusion about best option? Needing to know when to walk away when something isn't working? Hopeless, aimless drifting?

Staying in the US: Reversed Knight of Cups -- Moodiness? Jealousy? Allowing emotions to cloud the view?

Staying in Silk House: Reversed Queen of Swords -- possibly cold-hearted, bitter, bitchy, and mean. Or may be thinking more with emotions than sense. Need to use logic and parse the clues better. 

Going to Taiwan: Reversed Nine of Swords -- Worry, anxiety, overwhelming the self with doubts and stress. Need to step back and objectively view the situation, stay calm, and realize that it's not that bad after all. 


What should I be doing differently?

Reversed Ace of Cups -- Look after my emotional health. Get in touch with it and either let it loose or stop the not-catharsis venting. 

Justice. 

Star. Renewed hope and faith and being blessed by the universe. 

Reversed Seven of Wands. Gah. All right. Just let it go. It's a losing battle with no-win situation. 

King of Swords. Be logical. Be detached. Move forward and be just. 

All right. Fine. I'm getting the picture. 

Keep calm. Carry on. Eyes on the goal. Don't look down. Be fair and just and don't do things based on hysterical over-emotionality. Okay. 

*sigh*

Slept at about midnight. Woke at about 10:00am. 

Woken up by a host parent wanting to know where her money was.
Went back to sleep because I still feel like crap. WTB not being sick. Or at least, be thoroughly sick and then be done. I hate this "too sick to be useful" and "too restless to sleep all day" shit.
Woken up again by E texting about how she thinks I should start a cooking class and make money that way.

Warning for the day: Eight of pentacles
Advice for the day: reversed Six of Swords
Cooking class: Strength, then reversed Three of Wands
General relationship: reversed Nine of Swords
C: reversed Six of Pentacles


 Strength is pretty self-explanatory, but I was wondering if it was going to give me strength, or if it was going to require strength to carry through. Gut reaction is both, but I wanted a bit more clarification. Reversed Three of Wands. I see ToW as indication of starting out on a journey, or facing a journey that will require both forethought, planning, and dedication. Biddy indicates that a reversed ToW may mean obstacles and delay to long term plans. 

Yeah, I thought so too. It would take a lot of research and set up to get this done right, and I frankly don't have the time or the energy right now. Not if I want to be on track with my plans. 

I've been seeing reversed Six of Pentacles a lot lately. Debt, one-sided charity, and selfishness. 

My Six of Swords gives me a feeling of peace. In that cemetery RIP sort of way. Biddy indicates that it can mean  a refusal to continue on, to move ahead, and carrying baggage.  Huh. So my advice for the day is to move on? Considering that the six of cups keeps popping up, which means nostalgia, there's a common theme here. 

Eight of pentacles. Industriousness. Keep your nose to the grindstone. *sigh* Yes, yes, I know. Back to the mines with me. My tarot deck shows a spider on a web. It's a very lovely card, and peaceful. 

Reversed Nine of Swords. Wiki calls it the Lord of Cruelty. That's kinda hot. My card shows a winged man holding a sword close. It's unsheathed and he is embracing the naked blade. He has a raven on his shoulder and he looks up at ravens spiraling up into the sky in a funnel of air. He has nine swords tattooed across his collarbone. Huh. This is really hot. Maybe I should do a tarot series erotica thing. I can just see it. Lord of Cruelty as Dom. Personal feeling about the card - I see it as a lone person going into battle. He's got a job to do, but he's got to do it alone. His allies are either abandoning him or can't help him. 

I've been seeing this card a lot lately too. Nine of Swords, the reminder that I'm just working myself up to no good end. Thanks, tarot. My dreams lately have been fairly benign, so maybe I'm working through it. Maybe. 

I still have no idea what the Hierophant yesterday was trying to indicate. Oh well. 

Nope. Still haven't come up with a better name. Guess that's what it's going to be for a while until my brain comes online again. On the other hand, it's concise and clear -- why mess with something that works?

Got woken up at 7am with work. Not quite the wake-up call I was expecting. Finished the call, had some water, and crawled back into bed and didn't wake up again until 11am or so.

Sniffly this morning, with what feels like the beginning of a cold. I hope not. On the other hand, it's nearing that time of the month, so all bets are off.

Had some papaya milk for breakfast and lazed around until Nolly showed up to go to the farmer's markets with me. We were going to walk -- until I realized that walking uphill with four bottles of wine and three buckets of blueberries was unlikely to be any joy in 88 degree heat with humidity.

So we took the car.

So much for my once-a-week walking excursion.

Oh well! Next week if it cools down, I'll probably walk to the two farmer's markets since I won't have to pick up my wine club subscription. I am thinking about making meatloaf tomorrow and I need ginger, so at the very least I'm walking to S&S. If it's not too hot out and it's manageable, I was debating strolling to WF. It's only 0.7 miles away, which is completely doable provided I don't over-do it at the markets.

Still some soreness and tenderness. Energy levels still aren't quite there -- Nolly and I sat around for an hour during lunch (Cubano sandwich) , we did a little more walking around the Arlington market (tiny!) and then we came back to the house to slump around for a while longer.

Something that I was thinking about today is the concept of loneliness and boredom.

Originally, Thene was supposed to show up for the farmer's markets also. Except she flaked out at the last minute.

For a while, since I didn't know if Nolly was interested, I was debating not going. I was still tired, had just dragged myself out of bed and was flagging already. For some reason I also thought that it would be boring walking about 4 miles alone by myself and that it would be lonely.

In one of our conversations today, Nolly mentioned to me that I was probably depressed. I think she's right, because what sort of crazy is thinking that walking would be boring and lonely?

I've always sort of laughed at the idea of boredom anyway. Boredom as I defined it very early on is simply a state in which I wanted to do something but couldn't for some reason or the other. My poor mother had to deal with that very frequently when I was a child, but that sort of state has not really been in residence very often since I gained autonomy.

Loneliness -- now that is harder.

Obvious and cliché perhaps, but I've always thought that loneliness was a state of being that one chooses rather than simply is. Again with the wanting something but not having it and defining a state of mind by that lack.

The problem being, of course, that when you have a lack of a person, specific or otherwise in your life, it is much harder to distract yourself from that emptiness.

Some days I find myself living in fear, acting in fear, with its acrid tang in my thoughts constantly, insidious and ubiquitous. Fear of being alone. Dying by fragments alone. Lying in a ditch somewhere alone. Closing my eyes to that eternal night without a hand to hold as I slip into nothingness.

Of course that's aside from the other fears. Fear of walking alone after dark. Fear of being impoverished. Fear of not having a place to live. Fear of all those things life is made up of.

I hate it. It's crazy and poisonous and I'm not quite sure where all the insecurity comes from. I can't even begin to tell if it stems from the depression or if it's causing the depression.

On a good day I laugh at the sloe-eyed monsters lurking in the shadows of my heart. I know that whatever comes, I will persevere and survive because I haven't come this far to give up now.

All the other days I sidle past the shadows, trying very hard not to catch their attention, because to be caught in their regard is to slip slide into the madness of self-doubt.

The kind of doubt that has you frantically buying cases of ramen and running around begging everyone you know to reassure you, just one last time, that they do love you.

Of course that's all futile.

I came into this life alone. I'll leave it alone. And I'll walk it alone.

In a very specific sense I am a special snowflake. There is no other person like me. Not with my particular genes, my body as the expression of said genes and environment, or the exact set of experiences I had. That automatically makes it almost impossible for someone to truly be me.

In a way, to know that is liberating.

A person should be whole, in of themselves, and to seek that wholeness externally can only lead to tragedy.

I need to remember that. To look within. To cherish the fire within, because that will warm me longer than any other embrace.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


不。還沒有想出一個更好的名字。我想就将就一段時間，直到我的大腦再次聯機。往另外一个方面想，它簡潔和清晰 - 真有必要改变吗？

今辰７点被工作唤醒。完成通話後，喝了些水，爬回床上，又睡到１１点左右。

有些感冒的症状：鼻水，鼻塞，和昏沉。希望不会感冒，不过将近每个月的那时，我想这么期待可能是徒劳的。

喝了些木瓜牛奶做早餐，直到Nolly出現跟我去农夫市場。我們打算用步行 - 直到我意識到，在88度的高溫带着四瓶葡萄酒和三桶藍莓步行上坡回家，是不太可能带来任何的喜悅。

因此，我們开車。

所以我每週一次的步行计划泡汤了。

没关系，还有下周。我明天打算做meatloaf，而那需要大量的薑，所以至少我能走去附近的S＆S。如果天气不太热的话，我可以走去WF。那只有0.7公里的路程，這是完全可行的，只要我在市场克制住自己不要疯狂的购物。

身体还有有些酸胀痛。精神仍是迟迟不归。

今天思考着，寂寞和無聊的概念。

本來，Thene打算跟我一同去农夫市场的。不过，她在最后一分钟说不来了。

短暂的一段时间里，我思考这还要不要去。我仍然是累，莫名的疲倦，才刚刚拖着自己下床就已经萎靡不振。除此之外，我不知怎的会想，独自行走将近四公里会是孤独又无聊的。

今天跟Nolly聊了许久，她提议说我或许又忧郁了。我想她应该是对的，不然怎么会有这么疯狂的想法？

我很早就了解到说，至少对我而言，没有所谓的无聊。无聊只是一个想要做某件事情而因为种种原因不能的一个代词。我小时候时常这么喊着，让我的母亲很无语，不过在我自主之后是真的没怎么这么抱怨过了。

孤独。这个是一个更困难的议题。我记得我高中的时候写了一整个论文讨论着这个问题。

或许这是很浅显，甚至是晨腔滥调的一个说法，但我一直以為，孤獨是一​​種狀態，是一個選擇，而不是说是就是。又是一个想要可是得不到然后用另外一个简单的词想要概括的一个关于缺乏的概念。

为什么更难？

因为无聊可以借由许多东西来填补，不过当你感觉是缺一个人的时候，你的注意力是很难分去别处的。


有些日子，我發現自己生活在恐懼之中，恐懼，其苦涩的味道在我的思緒不斷徘徊，陰險和無處不在。害怕獨處。害怕缓慢的独自死去。想着自己在无人知道的情况下躺在不知名的地沟里。害怕在滑入那永恒的虚无之前连一只温暖的手的安慰都没有。

當然，這是除了其他的恐懼。害怕天黑後獨自行走。害怕被窮困潦倒。怕沒地方住。所有這些关系着生活的忧虑。

我恨这样的思绪。這是瘋狂的和有毒的，我不清楚，一切不安全因素來自何處。我无法探究这是源於抑鬱或導致抑鬱。

在一個美好的一天，我笑那潛伏在我心裡陰影的怪物。我知道，無論發生什麼事，我會堅持下去，生存，因為我不可能在坚持了这么久，来到这里之后莫名的放棄。

所有其他的日子裡，我側身避开那陰影，拼命不吸引他們的注意力，因為吸引了他们的关注时候将会進入瘋狂的自我懷疑。

那样的疑問，会导致你瘋狂地買泡面以防饿死街头，并且四處奔波乞討你認識的人向你保證，只是最後一次，他們是这样真心愛你的。

當然，這都是徒勞的。

我独自来到这世上。我将会独自离去。而人生的旅途上只有我一个人走。

在某个特殊定义来说，世界上有沒有其他像我這樣的人。我的独特的基因组合，我这个被基因和环境所造就的外貌和个性，和我独有的这些经历　－　这世界上只有我能最清楚自己因为其他人怎么做也只能是猜想而已。

在某種程度上，知道这事实是在解放。

一個人應該理解自己就是一个整体，从外在来寻求整體性只能導致悲劇。

我需要記住這一點。往內看。要珍惜內心的那个火，因為那个火不仅仅是生命的火花，它是唯一能温暖我的一个存在。

 But at least I have a collection of funny responses from my friends. 

 C pointed out today that I can't just make decisions -- I need to make them in a dramatic fashion to cement the intent. 

Guilty as charged. 

I'd get peevy over the use of "dramatic" as a descriptor, except what is magic except dramatic superimposing of your will on the universe? As I will, so mote it be, but nothing ever came of silently saying something in your mind because that simply lacks conviction and so drama it must be.

So what's the decision, you ask?

I've decided that I'm simply not going to organize events where things pivot around me.

Pandemonium books and games had sent out an email asking for volunteers to demo games on their board game day. Having been in a fine, fine mood and really enjoying Kingdom Builder, I thought that it might be a fun event for us to go to. 

I sent the email out to everyone, and everyone expressed interest. So, I signed all of us up to demo board games. 

The last two weeks, well, since M and Thene moved here anyway, has been a whirligiggity daze of social fun. It's also been the two weeks of hell in terms of work and how much cray-cray has been going on at work so I'm just a wee bit worn out. 

However, since I agreed to this already, I was intending on going anyway, despite genuinely not wanting to at this point. 

I will admit, a large part of the going is because it's Azora's birthday and it's apparently a big deal. 

Yesterday night, she started forlornicating  and asked that "two seats be reserved for her and Zach" because she didn't want to be the odd people out again, because "every time things happened and there weren't enough seats in the car, she and Zach wound up being the ones to take the T home, all alone" and she didn't want it to happen this time. "And it defeats the point of spending time with people because" ... well because somehow taking the T home alone with your sweetheart is tragic and horrible and negates the fact that you have just spent a large portion of time with those same people. 

I pointed out that since six of us were going, there was no way to fit all of us. 

As per her usual, she didn't actually come up with any specific solutions, only reiterated her request. 

Honestly, at that point I was ready to throw in the towel and just say I was done and I didn't want to go anymore because I was fucking tired and they should all go along without me. 

Except, there would have been drama. 

So I stewed. And stewed. And stewed some more. 

There's a couple solutions to the whole "don't abaaaandon us" problem. 

1. She could get over the whole thing.
2. I could give up the idea of driving and we could just all take public transit together. 
3. I could kick out either Iddt or Koosai so she and Zach could be in the car.

....right. Clearly we can see that there's only one reasonable solution. We could all be happy and take public transit together!

Never mind that I have repeatedly stated on multiple, multiple occasions that I will not go anywhere unless I'm driven or I can bring my car. 

Much as it must ream her ass to hear -- I don't have the time, inclination, or energy, or again, inclination to go out and spend time with people doing almost anything, if I have to take public transit. It takes ages and it saps what little energy I have, and it's just. not. worth. it. for me. 

Clearly, this doesn't matter to her in her endless sea of forlornicating. 

I briefly toyed with the idea of bowing out entirely because I don't like having my car held hostage by angsty wankery, but I was informed that people wouldn't go if I didn't. Namely Iddt wouldn't go unless he was driven and unless I also went and C was not going to go either. M and Thene already possibly weren't going because of too much happy-happy the night before. At this point, people are dropping like flies. 

This places me in the lovely situation where if I didn't go, I'd be ruining her birthday. 

Awesome. 

So never again. 

If people want to go do something enough to go under their own power, without either me or my car being involved, then they should feel free to do so. However, I am not going to suggest events anymore that I might end up not wanting to go to because of stupid car drama and because I am affecting the fun of other people in intense negative ways if I don't go. 

I do not need things to pivot on me. I, in fact, need things to stop pivoting on me. 

Congratulations, I will now make it a deliberate and specific point not to organize anything and not to volunteer my car and never to commit to doing anything except the day of. 

I do hope y'all are happy with yourselves cuz I certainly am pleased with my solution. 

So.

UCLA girl posted a video of herself on March 14, showing herself to be the extremely intelligent person she is.

Transcript:

Okay, so here at UCLA it's finals week.

So we know that I'm not the most politically correct person so don't take this offensively. I don't mean it toward any of my friends I mean it toward random people that I don't even know in the library. So, you guys are not the problem.

The problem is these hordes of Asian people that UCLA accepts into our school every single year, which is fine. But if you're going to come to UCLA then use American manners.

So it used to really bug me but it doesn't bother me anymore the fact that all the Asian people that live in all the apartments around me -- their moms and their brothers and their sisters and their grandmas and their grandpas and their cousins and everybody that they know that they've brought along from Asia with them - comes here on the weekends to do their laundry, buy their groceries and cook their food for the week. It's seriously, without fail. You will always see old Asian people running around this apartment complex every weekend. That's what they do. They don't teach their kids to fend for themselves. You know what they don't also teach them, is their manners.

Which brings me to my next point. Hi, in America we do not talk on our cell phones in the library. I swear every five minutes I will be -- okay, not five minutes, say like fifteen minutes -- I'll be in like deep into my studying, into my political science theories and arguments and all that stuff, getting it all down, like typing away furiously, blah blah, blah, and then all of a sudden when I'm about to like reach an epiphany... Over here from somewhere, "Ooooh Ching Chong Ling Long Ting Tong, Ooohhhhh."

Are you freaking kidding me? In the middle of finals week? So being the polite, nice American girl that my momma raised me to be, I kinda just gave him what anybody else would do that kinda like, [puts finger up to lips in a "shh" motion]. "You know it's a library, like, we're trying to study, thanks!" And then it's the same thing five minutes later. But it's somebody else, you know -- I swear they're going through their whole families, just checking on everybody from the tsunami thing. I mean I know, okay, that sounds horrible like I feel bad for all the people affected by the tsunami, but if you're gonna go call your address book like you might as well go outside because if something is wrong you might really freak out if you're in the library and everybody's quiet like you seriously should go outside if you're gonna do that.

So, thanks for listening, that was my rant. I just -- even if you're not Asian you really shouldn't be on your cell phone in the library but I've just never seen that happen before so thank you for listening and have a nice day.

You know, I originally said I wouldn't address this -- but again, blogging is writing, right?

Couple of points:

As expected, she will not be expelled. This somehow doesn't surprise me. I don't even know if I want her to be expelled for something so relatively minor in the grand scheme of things, but I have to admit that the fact that she's going to get a degree in political science just kind of makes me want to cry.